chahcachachangessss March 23, 2009

welp. today i ended my relationship with brian. it was extremely difficult but i know in my heart that it was the right thing to do. i have been praying about this for quite a while and it needed to be done but i am not gonna lie, it hurts a lot..and it sucks. i feel like such an awful person because i feel relieved and most of all, because i hurt someone who i love very much. he seemed okay though, i am sure he is not okay but i know God is taking care of him and that brings me comfort. i just hope with all my heart that he truly seeks God and can just put all his faith, hope, and trust in Him and that he will find his security and identity in Christ. i am gonna take this time to really draw near to the Lord, seek out His will for my life, and allow Him to mold me into the person He created me to be. i think i am gonna take 6 months-1 year off from dating and just truly, wholeheartidly chase after the Lord and be open to whatever He has planned for me! i pray that brian does the same.

i know this was for the best. especially for brian. i pray he can understand that..

pray.. March 20, 2009

i am so stressed. so mad. so frustrated. so hurt.

i cannot even think.

i want to pray but i cant. i cant find the words. all i can do is cry.

why is life so hard all the time?!

i am just so tired of everything, so fed up.

why cant i just love Jesus the way He loves me. worship Him the way He deserves. live for Him the way He asks.  serve Him the way i need to. and be joyful. why???????????????

i just want to live for Him. focus on Him. learn from Him. and know Him. thats all i want..and everything i need.

c’est la vie March 3, 2009

welp..i have been at ocu now since january. at first, i did not really like it too much. i loved the school. i loved that we talk about God in class and that we read the Bible in class. i loved that the professors ask if you have any prayer requests and they genuinely pray for you. i loved chapel. but i did not love the students. i did not feel welcomed nor did i feel the love God around me. for the longest time jo and i only had each other. which i am so extremely grateful for but at the same time it just sucked that no one was loving or welcoming or interested in knowing us at all. whatever. anyhoo..we have friends now..yay! we both started working in the admissions office ((which a ton of fun)) and we made friends there! one of our coworkers, jake, is now one of our dearest friends and he has helped us through A LOT the past few weeks! i cannot describe how blessed i am to have jo jake and jenna as my friends. jenna is a friend that i have known for like, pretty much, forever. and she is now my workout partner!! yay! our friend mike is a personal trainer and he made workouts for us so we can get in shape and look beautiful for summer ((although jenna is already gorgeous!)). so that is super duper exciting..we go to the Y ((i got a membership finally and it was 50% off because i work at ocu..how flippin sweet is that?!?!?)) about 3-5 days a weeks..we want it to be 6 but recently it has only been about 3 or 4ish   we are slackers lol. now, on a less happy note..brian and i have decided to take a few weeks apart from each other to really pray about where God is leading us and whether it is God’s will for us to be together as well as really thinking about what we each want out of a relationship and later decide if we think we can meet the needs of the other person. so, although it is a huge bummer, i think this will be really good for us! i just want us both, especially him, to have the person that God created specifically for us and for us to have the kind of person we deserve, whether that means us being together or not. so i dunno, just pray for us..i know i will be praying constantly about this. i just want what is best and fair for him. so yeah, our “relationship” is in God’s hands right now and He can do with it whatever He wants because we just want His will to be done! anyhoo..i have a 14 page paper to write, a presentation to create, and a test to study for so i am outta here! GOD BLESS!!!

 

*Philippians 4:6-7*